With festival season now in full effect, I thought I’d take a moment to consider all the things that make those musical gatherings so great. And so here are my top 8 reasons (because I couldn’t come up with two more) why I think music festivals are awesome.
8) Port-a-potty door prizes – That’s right folks, pick the right port-a-potty, and you’ll have a nice, clean toilet in which to take care of business, allowing yourself to maximize movement when dancing. BUT, pick the wrong door, and what you’ll see will alter your very soul, and permanently cause you to hate chocolate soft serve for the rest of your natural born life.
7) Affordable grilled cheese sandwiches – Yummy! Nothing says festival season like buying a delicious grilled cheese sandwich from a food vendor. And not only do you get the sandwich, but you also get some water, as the soggy ass bread has absorbed about a cups worth of H2O while sitting beside wet beer cans all morning long. Best part yet, you’ll only have to pay five dollars for this sandwich which consists of approximately 30 cents of ingredients, and about a nickels worth of labor.
6) Glow stick wars with surprise endings – There’s nothing better than glow stick wars. Honestly, they sometimes even outdo the stage lights in their synchronized displays that mirror the ebb and flow of the music. But, make sure as you look up at those beautiful flying colors, you don’t stare too long, because receiving a fluorescent yellow glow stick to the larynx will surely put you in a sour mood for the rest of the evening.
5) The river of life – You know, nature is a beautiful thing, and one of the most beautiful of its creations is the creek. Indeed many a philosopher and poet have reflected on the beauty of a babbling brook, and, at music festivals, you can too. However, make sure the creek you’re waxing poetic about isn’t in fact a river of pee and poop flowing down from the drunken hippies who’ve had the good fortune to camp out higher up on the hill than your sorry ass.
4) No need for a day planner – You certainly won’t need a day planner while at a festival, especially since you got so drunk, you passed out before the first band actually took the stage, and woke up three days later, on the car ride home.
3) Oddly inexpensive official merchandise – It’s crazy how much cheaper a band’s official merchandise is on the camp grounds versus the vendors. But nothing’s worse than going shopping while drunk, only to find, once you’ve sobered up, that Grateful Dead shirt you thought you bought for two dollars was actually a Greatful Ded shirt worth approximately four pesos.
2) Women in hippie attire – No, I’m serious about this one, they’re hot.
1) The music and the friends – Well, this one really doesn’t need much explaining either.