Ween opened for my band, Hiding From Andy. It’s true, but before you bombard Google with the less than half a dozen searches this article is sure to provoke (I’m telling five of my friends to read this), let me explain. We live outside of New Hope, PA. There, nestled on the picturesque Delaware River, stands John and Peters – a small bar that can barely seat 100 people and holds the title of the oldest music venue in the nation to be continuously owned by the same owner.

It just so happens, John and Peter’s use to be one of Ween’s old haunts. Well, my band plays at John and Peter’s too, albeit only on All Drunkards Eve, better known as: Tuesday night. Granted it’s nearly a decade later, but the point is Ween played the same venue we played, before us. That’s the very definition of opening up for a band. So Ween opened up for us. And yes, I’m just messing with you, but consider this a lesson in spin factor, and how much an undiscovered band can bend the truth to make itself appear more accomplished then they actually are.

So in an attempt to create a better informed music-consumer, I felt that it was my duty to take a look at statements that undiscovered bands make, and cut through the wishful thinking, imaginative writing, and outright lies, to give you the truth. What follows are the top five misleading statements music fans should look out for when reading band profiles, so, as the venerable voice of The Who, Roger Daltrey, cries, “We don’t get fooled again!”

1) I’m always eager to check out bands that claim to have “Music, with a Latin flavor.” Unfortunately, this often translates to nothing more than having a drummer that works at the local Taco Hut on the weekends. If the drummer can get you churros in bulk, chances are the only thing “Latin flavored” about him is the stain on his shirt, which is mostly burrito juice mixed with tears (the latter of which was almost certainly caused by his realization that he sucks at the drums and constantly smells of a secret sauce made largely of raccoon vomit).

2) It’s great to hear a band is gearing up for “the international release of their album.” And though, I suppose, uploading your songs to MySpace is technically ‘international’ in nature, I nonetheless feel misled. If a band’s resume doesn’t extend past your local zip code, chances are the only thing ‘international’ about them is their ability to write music that sucks ass worldwide.

3) Yes sir, you know a band can rock it when they claim to have “Music with an attitude.” But let’s be honest, being booed would give you an attitude too.

4) You should listen up when a band requests that you “Remember our name, because you’ll be hearing it again.” Though they’ll probably break up on the car ride home, knowing their name will come in handy when you need to tell the nuns who stole the instruments from the church basement.

5) If a musician claims a newspaper article about his band got read by 20,000 people, he’s not being entirely accurate. The truth is, in all statistical likelihood, the actual breakdown was more like 20 people read it, and 19,980 birds crapped on it. Well, I guess maybe some hamsters and gerbils crapped on it too. Really anything that has its cage lined by newspapers likely crapped on it, but the whole point is 20,000 people did not in fact read the crap-soaked review.