photo: Alive Coverage via Seth Milchick

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“Render not my creation in miniature,” proclaimed Kier Eagan, the founder and CEO of Lumon Industries during an extraordinary 74 year run from 1865-1939. This dictate is now being realized as Lumon has purchased Sphere, the Brobdingnagian venue in Las Vegas. Sphere will become the largest facility to implement the severance procedure by which “perceptual chronologies are surgically split.”

In conjunction with this announcement, the aptly-named Harmony Kobel returned to the fold and saluted macrodata refiners with a modified version of the Egan hymn:

Weir, chosen one, Weir.
Weir, brilliant one, Weir.
Brings the bounty to the plain through the torment, through the rains,
Progress, knowledge show no fear,
Weir, chosen one, Weir.

Mickey H. responded to these remarks with a vigor that necessitated a visit to the Break Room.

While en route, he crossed paths with a fellow innie who had just visited the Wellness Center to receive outie facts.

Wook E. was told:

Your outie is a chomper.

Your outie brings a pan flute to Trey acoustic shows and really blows because “that’s what Big Red wants, you lame-os!”

Your outie screams song requests and yells random woos while Trey is trying to tell a story.

Your outie sings loud and off-key because “I paid for these tickets with my own money!”

Much later Wook E. celebrated a file completion with a fully immersive Music Dance Experience followed by Choreography and Merriment alongside close friend Two O., whose outie regularly snubs him.

When Two O. visited Wellness he learned:

Your outie yells “Shhh!” at a louder volume than the person he’s shushing a few rows away.

Your outie activates the flash before taking a video on his phone.

Your outie refers to a concert venue by its original name even if he never attended a concert there when it had that name.

Your outie believes that in an acoustic environment, sitting is outstanding and cheering isn’t cheerful with the exception of polite hooting in recognition of phan lore that originated three decades earlier.

Later, during a contemplative moment while attempting to disengage from a finger trap he received as an incentive for 25% file completion, Bobby W. was regaled with an account of Kier Egan’s Four Tempers which “are derived every human soul. Woe. Frolic. Dread. Malice. Each man’s character is defined by the precise ratio that resides in him. I walked into the cave of my own mind, and there I tamed them. Should you tame the tempers as I did mine, then the world shall become but your appendage. It is this great and consecrated power that I hope to pass on to all of you, my children.”

In response, Bobby W. vocalized:

Somedays the gales are howling, sometimes the sea is still as glass.
Oh, raise the main sail, oh, lash the mast.
You’re a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Now the shorelines beckon, there is a price for being free.

There’s a sea bird cryin’ and there’s a ghost wind blowing
And it’s calling you, to that misty swirling sea.
Till the chains of your dreams are broken,
No place in this world you can be.

He was immediately escorted to the Perpetuity Wing for a Waffle Party in honor of his Eagan-y Intonations, at which point he experienced spontaneous reintegration and announced, “That was like blowing out the pipes with the Pranksters. Also, Dylan was right, the egg bar is coveted AF.”