Yes, it’s been a long time coming but 24 years to the day after we reported some shocking news about Keller Williams, changes are afoot. Given Williams’ proclivities, they’re likely barefoot as well.

On April 1, 2002 Jambands.com was the first to publish this astonishing development:

Keller Williams To Break Up

Keller Williams has decided to part ways, with a final performance expected at the Bonnaroo Music festival. While it’s unclear where the separation will take place, many anticipate a dorsal division. No statement has been released on the cause of the break-up, although many point to the classic right brain/left brain conflict as well as an inability to wrest kellerwilliams.com from a real estate company.

Well the long dark night has finally come to an end. We can confirm that on April 3, after dinner at Pei-Pei’s in Los Angeles, Keller Williams will reunite.

For years, speculation ran rampant regarding his partition. Although we initial noted that some folks believed it would be a physical split down the middle, other theories have been posited over the years. Recently, some have suggested that he was one of the initial test subjects at Lumon Industries for a neurosurgical procedure that divides a person’s memories into two streams of consciousness, effectively resulting in two people sharing the same body. Others have called into question the viability of severance, likening it to the faux firewall between Ticketmaster and Live Nation.

We can now confirm that back in 2002, the division bell sounded during an earthquake that occurred shortly after Williams had consumed dinner. The guitarist had grabbed two fortune cookies and opened them simultaneously, which resulted in a portion of his soul being cast out from his body. As a result, he essentially ghosted himself.

Williams will return to the restaurant (and his physical being) later this week, where he will devote a special evening entirely to “Freeker by the Speaker.” He will perform the song repeatedly, utilizing every arrangement and musical collaborator who has ever joined him on the tune, until Pei-Pei’s experiences a full-on Freeky Friday.