Yonder Mountain String Band’s Ben Kaufmann has penned an emotional tribute to his former bandmate Jeff Austin. Earlier this week, Austin passed away a few days after suffering a “medical emergency” that led to the cancellation of his upcoming dates. The mandolinist parted ways with Yonder in 2014 and has spent the past four years touring with his own Jeff Austin Band. Kaufmann’s heartfelt letter dives into his friendship with Austin, their relationship as he parted ways with the group and the two times they crossed paths since the split.
In a note posted to his social media sites, Kaufmann says:
When I sit down to write something “important” I usually feel up to the task. Given enough time, and enough revisions, I can come up with something that hits all the right notes. Except not this time. I simply have no idea where to begin, where to end, or what to put in the middle.
I first met Jeff Austin in Nederland, Colorado in 1998. I had a bluegrass band called Tree Full of Pigs and we were playing at the Acoustic Coffeehouse. At the end of the show, this funny, skinny guy came up to me with his name and number written on a piece of paper. He said his name was Jeff, he’d just moved to town, he had a good friend who played banjo who was moving to Ned soon, and we should get together and pick sometime. And now somehow it’s 21 years later.
It’s been quite literally amazing to read everyone’s tributes and recollections, and to share in the purity of their experiences of Jeff and Yonder. There is a kind of simplicity to the experience. Everything, all the memories and emotions, all the music, is distilled down to what I’m seeing as the essence of what people are trying to express. It can be summed up in a single word: impact. Jeff had an impact on everyone he met. And each of those individual moments, all interconnecting with each other and reinforcing each other, unfolded in a way that had a larger consequence. Jeff changed music. For a lot of people. Certainly for me. Before I met him, I had one idea of what was possible. After I met him, I suppose I just didn’t believe there were any limits to what could be accomplished. I’m finding myself experiencing some healing from the potent simplicity in what people are sharing. Because my experience with Jeff was not simple. It was the most extraordinarily complex relationship I’ve ever had.
The last time I spoke to Jeff was on the phone call when we all decided we weren’t going to play music together anymore. That was 5 years ago. I remember that conversation being really positive, which was surprising given the gravity of what we were talking about and the changes we were making. But we agreed that we weren’t happy anymore and that we all deserved to find happiness in music again. I mean, what’s the point otherwise? I only ever saw him twice in those intervening years. The first time was when his band was playing a club in my hometown of Nevada City, CA. I stood outside the Crazy Horse looking in a window and listening. Just for a minute or two. And I remember thinking “Well, shit… That band is way better than Yonder ever was.” I mean, Ross Martin on guitar, Danny Barnes on banjo, Eric Thorin on bass, Jeff leading the way. It was a supergroup. And I felt really happy for Jeff in that moment. Don’t get me wrong, the experience was still really weird, but I also felt happy because it seemed like Jeff was doing great. The last time I saw Jeff was at a festival in Virginia. It was the only time that his band and Yonder 2.0 were booked on the same day at the same festival. He was just pulling out of the backstage entrance while we were arriving. We saw him thru the windshield. I don’t think he saw us. But in talking to the other musicians that night, they all said how great his band sounded. And that made me happy.
Recently, I had begun thinking about what it might feel like to play music with Jeff again. Not to put the old band back together, not to tour, just to play music for a moment. That’s the amazing thing about time. As it passes, it wears away all the rough edges of experience. It tempers and soothes. I certainly observed that effect in my own experience. When I’d think about the past, it was really only the good moments I found myself recollecting. All the challenges or difficulties just weren’t at the forefront of my mind. They’d been washed downstream, diluted and dispersed. But the good memories were right there and I could reach out and touch them and hold them. I could look at them with what felt like a different perspective. And that made me happy too.
As I witness the extraordinary outpouring of love for Jeff, I find myself wishing that it could have happened before he died. I realize that’s not how these things work but it doesn’t stop me from wishing that he could have experienced it. The truth is, though, I don’t know that it would have had the effect that I would hope for. You see, it’s a funny thing: the people who bring the most happiness to others thru their weird creative processes often find it challenging, if not impossible, to really receive love, appreciation and gratitude. They say “Thanks so much, glad you liked the show, the song, the energy…” But it doesn’t reach the heart in a way where all that love can find fertile soil. In some terribly backwards way, it’s easier to receive a criticism than a kindness. You can rally against a criticism, use it as fuel, indulge in the fantasy of making someone eat their words someday. But to receive love? To truly receive it? No way. Far too uncomfortable. It doesn’t stop me from wishing he could have felt it though.
So now, suddenly, the world is different. And I’m not sure what that means, exactly. I look forward to gathering with other musicians in the near future for a celebration of Jeff’s music and in support of his family. I’ve been listening to a lot of Jeff’s songs and wondering how we might best keep them alive and being shared with the world. But really, I have to admit I’m still just kind of grasping right now, distracting myself in various ways because otherwise it’s just so terribly tragic. We want there to be some positive outcome from a tragedy. Something to make it understandable, something to make it make sense. And maybe someday, with the benefit and relentless passing of time, I’ll figure it out.
All I know right now is that I feel lucky to have been a part of an incredible moment in music. A moment when something happened that had never happened before. And it truly was an amazing ride. I just wish it didn’t cost so goddamn much.
All my love,
Ben Kaufmann
Yonder Mountain String Band also paid tribute to Austin by performing “Half Moon Rising,” a tune he sang with the group, during the Telluride Bluegrass Festival last weekend. Fans can help support Austin’s wife and three children through a fund established through Sweet Relief.
11 Comments comments associated with this post
Patrix
October 25, 2019 at 2:26 amTalk about words that won’t age well. SERIOUSLY blaming his death on him? I get ur drift, seriously I do, but what if ur hurtful words leads Ben to kill himself?? Don’t fuel hate and grief in such a horrid fashion.
Left Me In A Hole- A very deep hole
July 1, 2019 at 1:28 pmI can’t help to feel like YOU Ben, and the rest of the Yonder boys are partly to blame for Jeff’s death. All those years ago, he was trying to be sober. Too much for you all to put down your pipes, and your 5ths for a friend struggling with addiction? Your band has never, and will never be half as good as you were with Jeff in your band. You used to be in my top 5, now I’ll never see you again.
I also saw Jeff’s new band at a little theater in my town about 6 months ago. I was so excited, because they were better than Yonder. I was looking forward to this new chapter in Jeff’s career and had the chance to tell him so face to face. That was thing about Jeff, he was very approachable.
I am grieving deeply over his death, and feel like your words don’t even touch on the depths of shitiness from you and all the other yonder boys towards Jeff. You hadn’t talked to him since you kicked him out of the band? That might cause someone to kill themselves. You saw him through a windshield at a music festival you both played, and you didn’t have the what? The balls, the courage, the strength to say hello to an old friend you had known for 21 years? Coward!! Fucking coward!!
Your tribute, at least in my case, is falling on deaf ears.
Lark
July 1, 2019 at 4:13 pmReally not cool to lay the cause of Jeff’s passing on Ben. I understand that this is an emotional topic of lots of us, but there is no reason to be hateful or angry.
As Ben said the relationship with Jeff was complex. Neither the Yonder boys or Jeff were happy when they decided to split up. Just like when any relationship turns sour, they were shitty to each other. This cut both ways, and both Ben and Jeff were taking the time they needed to heal. Just as Ben didn’t reach out to Jeff, Jeff didn’t reach out to Ben.
We are ultimately outsiders when it comes to this situation and don’t know the full story. Nor do we really know what drove Jeff to end things the way he did. Do not place his apparent suicide on the feet of Ben or anyone in Yonder. This is a deeply complex and tragic situation, there is no need to point fingers.
LS
June 30, 2019 at 1:10 pmSucks to see someone in pain and not able to solve or reach out when in need of a hug or love. YMSB 2.0, needs to change their name they never were the same group and the mountain has now gone to eternity. Call them yonder string band , or change entirely , out of respect for their fallen brother. YMSB ceased to exist years ago
JB
June 30, 2019 at 11:50 amI first saw Yonder at Bonnaroo 2003. I wasn’t even into Bluegrass at the time. For me, it was missing the “psychedelic” element that most of the other bands I was into at the time had …until that life changing day under the Tennessee sun. Jeff Austin opened my eyes, ears, and soul into what was being referred to as “jamgrass,” and I never looked back. Being from Detroit, my opportunities to see any sort of bluegrass were few and far between, but I made every effort to see Yonder and Jeff that I could whether it was at a festi or just road tripping, even going as far as Red Rocks in 2010 (one of of all time favorite shows). When Yonder split it broke my heart, but at the same time, I realized that Jeff was leaving Yonder in the dust, he formed several groups where the musicians could actually keep up with him, and it was magical. I was able to see the “super group” with Danny Barnes, but the latest rendition of the JAB with kyle on banjo blew me away more than Yonder did. I couldn’t believe it! Jeff touched my soul with his Grateful Ball just 2 months ago. And now the ride is over, all I have is my “tapes” to go back and reminisce. And while Jeff is first musician to pass away in my life that ripped my soul apart, I feel incredibly lucky and thankful to see him as many times as I did. I truly want to say “thank you” to him for not just bringing me so much joy at his shows, but to really opening my eyes to bluegrass music overall. I will miss him dearly, he will never know, but I will NEVER forget how much joy he has brought me over the last 17 years. Thank you Jeff! RIP.
MarZaPhiGar
June 30, 2019 at 9:28 amHey fam let’s keep this space troll-free. Agreed?
Pine Trees
June 30, 2019 at 7:35 amThat note falls short for me…honestly like the last long note I read from Ben that many years ago…
I don’t think this will age well
call your loved ones and friends
Life is too short and too fragile
Donate to his family
And I’m sorry for those of you that never got to see the real Yonder
Erin Karlow
July 8, 2019 at 8:49 pmI feel the same😞
Steve Brooks
June 30, 2019 at 2:46 amBeautifully insightful Ben. I never had the chance to see YMSB with Jeff. Having said that you guys are at the top of my list of bands that I enjoy. I did however have the chance to meet Jeff at Shoefest with Brendan and see him play. He was amazing…and everything you explained him as to a T. He will be missed immensely. Please keep his spirit alive in your music whenever you feel it necessary to do so. Love you guys and R.I.P. Jeff Austin.
Jeff W.
June 29, 2019 at 10:47 pmBen (and Dave and Adam) – I am so, so sorry for your loss – and even more so realizing that you were never able to reconnect since the split….. that’s one of life’s hard, hard lessons – don’t ever let differences keep you from ones you love and cherish – sometimes you lose the opportunity for second chances…. I think we all learn the hard way at some point in our lives….. “Classic Situation” is the song I’ve been playing; it brings me home and connects me to Jeff; bright, upbeat, full of energy and hope. That’s my memory of Jeff. My sincerest condolences; too, too soon.
Rick
June 29, 2019 at 9:00 pmVery well written, Ben. Jeff DID impact a lot of people, he certainly had an impact on me. All of you in Yonder did. I saw my first YMSB show in 1999 and was instantly hooked. I saw y’all as much as I possibly could over the past 21 years. There were so many magical moments, so much love in those of us you played for. Yonder DID change music and I’m so thankful I was there to be a very small part of it. In this different world we will surely find our way without Jeff eventually, but I do know we will all carry a piece of him with us wherever we go. Thank you for sharing this beautiful letter with us in this incredibly difficult time. We , the Kinfolk, love y’all….