Image via Lifeboy.co

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In a surprising turn of events, the Department of Homeland Security has filed for an injunction in the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York mandating that Phish perform their original composition “It’s Ice” on every night of the band’s upcoming summer tour.

The legal theory propounded by the DHS has been characterized by courtroom observers as a sophisticated application of the common law principle best described as “Finally! Someone gets us!!”

Counselor at law Dirksen representing the band acknowledged some confusion in this matter, stating, “When we heard the government was suing Phish, we assumed it was to prevent them from performing a song that might upset the administration. We were thinking ‘Character Zero.’

“Another option was ‘Let Me Lie.’ Maybe ‘I Know a Little,’ ‘If I Only Had a Brain,’ ‘Simple,’ ‘Sanity,’ or ‘Mean Mister Mustard.’

“Based on our intel from a source embedded in the Oval Office, we were also anticipating ‘Scent of a Mule’ or ‘Faht.’”

As for the government, beyond seeking to apply the principle of specific performance when it comes to “It’s Ice,” the DOJ has requested an additional penalty, noting “Phish has refused to play ‘It’s Ice’ since 12/31/25. As a result, Phish will honor the Supreme Leader by playing ‘The Overlord.’”

When informed that the title of the song, which the group last performed on Halloween 1996 while covering the Talking Heads’ Remain In Light album is actually “The Overload,” the government lawyer responded, “That’s what I said.”

A pertinent legal question looms as to whether the Southern District of New York has proper jurisdiction over the entire tour. The DOJ attorney indicates, “If that’s the case, we’ll just demand that they perform ‘It’s Ice’ for the entire Baker’s Dozen run at Madison Square Garden.”

When informed that the band will only playing five shows at MSG, the government lawyer responded, “That’s what I said. Also, don’t shame me with show count. That’s gross.”

The DOJ barrister then sought to demonstrate his bona phides by naming his two favorite donuts from the band’s 2017 Baker’s Dozen dates: “Apple fritter and blueberry.”

Image via Google AI (For real)

When informed that an apple fritter is a not a donut and that both choices are actually AI hallucinations generated when someone asks Google to name the doughy treats from 2017, the government lawyer responded, “That’s what I said. Plus, my favorite donut is actually jimmies. Don’t agitate me. The administration is still thinking about levying an encore tariff, although that’s really directed at Pearl Jam and Bruce Springsteen.”

“An encore tariff won’t help the economy,” an observer stated.

“Perhaps not,” the DOJ attorney answered, “but it’ll do wonders for the meme economy.”