Real True Confessions With Padre Pienbique
“Christmas is the season where we spend time we don’t have, to spend money we don’t have, to buy gifts for people we love.” – (I don’t know who wrote that, but I’ll never for get that someone said it…)
Good day, gentle reader- and a happy holiday season to you and yours!
As I’m sure you’re all aware: Americans are broke, jobless and will soon be sold as pets to middle class Beijing families to pay off our national debt. This is the natural price we pay for taking over dumb Middle East countries for cheap oil. Think of our trade deficit as a Visa card that only buys hatred and death, with an interest rate of 666%.
Thus, it wouldn’t be prudent for us as a nation to keep stacking up debt in pursuit of fancier Christmas gifts. Especially since the majority of these fantastic presents are made- poorly- in China. The warranty may run out, but your frustration will stay hot every time you think of the broken, useless piece of shit for months to come.
So here we are: All holidayed up and nothing to show for it. However, that doesn’t mean that the actual spirit of the holidays has to suffer. No, we are a nation of folks as cool as Fonzie, even if we’re broke just the same.
Let’s not forget that every year at this time we tell ourselves (and each other) that the real meaning of Christmas has precious little to do with Santa and Consumerism, but everything to do with Peace on Earth and Good Will Toward Men. (I guess the ladies can do the dishes… violently.)
It is in this spirit that I present to you, the gentle reader, a few money saving tips for the broke-ass chump in all of us.
Through exhaustive research, I’ve found that most “Frugal Christmas” ideas are as goofy as they are useless. There are sites out there that tell you how to save a dime or two by wrapping a turkey in aluminum- thus you don’t have to buy a Butterball bird, which must be more expensive. I save a few dimes on every Christmas turkey by leaving it unthawed, unwrapped and ultimately unpurchased in the grocer’s freezer. This is because, I, like many more folks that won’t admit it, really don’t like turkey.
Another popular idea is giving a coupon book to loved ones full of special favors such as baby sitting for young parents in need of a night out or being a “homework helper” for the snot-nosed nephew that doesn’t give a shit for algebra. While it’s not the worst idea, this gift must certainly fall into the abyss of “Really Uncomfortable To Cash In After Christmas (And The Obligatory Eggnog Buzz) Has Passed.” No small amount of luster fades when one realizes that creepy Uncle Roger is offering Super-Duper Back Rubs to the female nieces.
Christmas On The Cheap extends beyond saving a buck on presents for others. It also takes into account an individual’s guilt for being broke as well as the curmudgeon that never warmed up to the holidays in the first place. The holidays are meant to raise spirits, and barring that, should not kick them any lower than they already are. Take the suggestions for what they’re worth.
Jingle All The Way: We all see them outside the grocery store, the mall, the strip club- Salvation Army Jinglers. Braving the cold, the noise, the indifference, these troopers are the front line for the less fortunate. From Thanksgiving to the Big Day, these folks give their time in the hopes that you can give a buck, and God bless them.
If you’re like me, you give what you can when you can, yet still suffer pangs of guilt walking into and leaving the store. It’s almost as if every time I walk past without paying tribute, God chalks up another strike. Of course, I’m not being a prick by not throwing a buck in every time I stroll past, but I feel a measure of guilt all the same.
This is where one takes refuge in the music of the man that informed us that “All You Need Is Love.” By accident, I found that if you crank up The Beatles “We Can Work It Out” or “And Your Bird Can Sing” on your iPod as you slink past the Salvation Army Jingler, the bells that they jingle are in the same key as the tambourine on the Beatles track. Instead of inducing waves of guilt, their bells actually enhance the song.’
Remember: Feeling good means no guilt. As in: No. Guilt.
Charity Starts At Home: It is better to give than receive, so give yourself a break- a tax break! Frugality doesn’t mean that you’re cheap; it just means that you’re not wasting anything. Fiscal responsibility dictates that one doesn’t piss away money for kicks, and by extension, that means not giving the money to anyone that would do the same. And I think you know whom I’m talking about…
While I am NOT encouraging anyone to cheat on their taxes, it’s worth mentioning that when the IRS processes tax returns, they subject the raw data you provide them to something called “Benford’s Law.”
Benford’s Law is an immutable curiosity of mathematics that simply states: In this world, numbers starting with “1” are more common than numbers starting with “2”, which are far more common than numbers that start with “3”, etc.
In case that sounds weird, don’t over-think it: Of ALL the numbers in our world- bank statements, baseball stats, lottery picks, everything you can think of- the vast majority of them start with the integer “1”, and numerically become less frequent as their value expands. So if you fill your tax return full of random numbers, and 30.6% of them don’t start with “1”, you’re inviting an audit.
I know it sounds like one of those bullshit factoids and you might say: “Prove it.”
I will: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benford%27s_law
All I’m saying is that if you choose to express your statement of taxes owed in a light more conducive to You, Inc.’s bottom line, don’t make up a bunch of shady figures that all start with 5’s or 7’s… Feel free to go back to the well, go back to The One.
Re-Gifting To Those Unfortunate Enough To Have Given You That Piece Of Shit In The First Place: If you’re one of those families that is hopelessly dysfunctional, don’t even bother with buying anything for Christmas. Express your sour holiday spirit by not only re-gifting, but re-gifting back to the chump that bought you that Abraham Lincoln Chia Pet kit two years ago. Not only will it be twice as cheesy this year, but the seeds will be long past dead. Talk about getting the final word.
Otherwise, feel free to return that fruitcake to your Aunt Elaine via Fed Ex Collect. And tell her to tell her husband Uncle Roger to keep his hands at home.
Give On To Others…: Never buy a gift for someone you wouldn’t want yourself. Truer words have never been spoken- especially when you’re broke. These are the gifts that matter the most, as their value goes beyond the price on the tag. Personally, I have found that my wife loves getting DR High Beam Bass Strings. While I can’t speak to her attraction to such an item, I feel content that she loves to share them with me.
If you don’t have the grapes to pull such an obvious caper, there is a perfect gift that not only is universally appreciated by every receiver, but can be enjoyed by you, the giver.
It’s called “Booze”. Let that be a lesson to you.
“Wow, This Is Great, But…”: Instead of spoiling your loved ones with lavish gifts that will be collecting more dust than use by February, just buy one gift for one person to neglect. This is a standard of “How To Have A Frugal Christmas” articles.
The trick is to take this one step further: Buy a gift that is unwieldy, cumbersome or otherwise unpractical for others to transport back home. A true example of this is my sister buying a 75-pound bench vice for my brother that flew in from Dallas. I’ll cut to the chase and tell you that my sister has a real swell vice on her workbench.
This concept will work with 52” flat screen TVs, as long as the recipient is wealthy and has to catch a flight to Bali in the morning. Otherwise, let me suggest: Gift Certificates to a swanky sushi joint for folks from out of town, full body massages for the shy grandpa, or Megadeth/Slayer concert tickets for, well, ummm, anybody. (I’ll score the beer and drugs, have a driver pick us up at the bar…)
Well folks, I hope this information finds use in your capable hands. Remember: We all want to buy everybody a Tropical Vacation, it’s just that some of us don’t have the cash, and others aren’t deserving…
So in lieu of a fantastic tropical week of Do As We Please, I will bid you the fairest of holidays. And please remember: Be nice to your mother, drive safe and drink your egg nog!
Padre
