The 2024 festival season will brings a wave of rules changes collectively aimed at improving play and increasing action.

Famed musician and baseball hobbyist Theo Epstein consulted on the changes, which will debut at Innings and represent the most ambitious adaptations in the modern festival era.

Epstein reveals, “The Innings Festival will be the first to adopt a pitch clock.  After a series of complaints involving off-key singing, artists will have 20 seconds per song to get in tune or they will be escorted offstage.

“Shift restrictions also will be in place. Bands are not allowed to have more than two guitar players on either side of the drummer. Plus, I mean, seriously, no group needs three guitar players. Can’t that third guitarist take a hint? How many years is he going to dine out on his original offer to allow the band to rehearse in his mildewed basement? His bandmates’ lungs still haven’t recovered from all the gnarly mold. Also, now that they have actual paying gigs their cool friend finally agreed to join the group.

“Finally, Innings also will mandate bigger bassists. We’re going to expand their faces from 15 inches to 18 inches. The goal is to increase stolen basses.

“We’re looking to accelerate the pace of play, here. As an occasional keyboardist, that’s something of a personal goal. I mean how many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None, the keyboard player does it with his left hand. Am I right? Anyhow, with the increased body mass, the bassists are less likely to catch instrument bandits as they’re running away.

“On an unrelated note, I haven’t had a steady gig since I left the Cubs in 2020, so I’ll be selling used basses out of the back of my van.”