Letter to the Cuyahoga Police
By Brian Ferdman groovy1967@yahoo.com

It was recently reported that the Cuyahoga County (OH) Police Department utilized the resources of the Internet to research the culture of a Phish tour. The police used this valuable research to execute several undercover drug-busts of Phish phans at the Blossom Music Center on September 18, 2000 . I, for one, am thrilled to see that the police are finally taking advantage of modern technology to infiltrate and prosecute these evil Communists, who promote their depraved agenda of peace, love, and happiness. These criminals must be stopped before their cheerful and serene philosophy infects mainstream society like a malignant tumor. However, the Cuyahoga County Police Department sting operation suffered from serious misinformation. As an upstanding citizen and self-described uberpatriot, I would like to do my part to assist all police departments in arresting these happy-go-lucky menaces to society, so I have compiled the following guide to busting Phishheads.

For starters, Sgt. Larry Wagner reported, “I think [Phish fans] can tell the difference between K-Mart tie-dyes and the ones they get at the concert.” This is undeniably true; however, K-Mart tie-dyes have become major status symbols within the scene. Some Phish scholars hypothesize that phamous Phish Phan Martha Stewart’s renewed interest in the K-Mart brand has elevated the seemingly generic tie-dyes to an elite level. In fact, K-Mart tie-dyes are so revered that you will rarely see them on tour. Truly elite Phishheads will accompany their K-Mart tie-dye with a large earpiece that enables them to listen to Phish constantly. The larger and more obvious the earpiece, the cooler it is. Those lucky few who wear a K-Mart tie-dye and earpiece will be considered to be not only cool, but also keen and swell.

The band Phish, while seemingly harmless to the naked eye, has many skeletons in the closet, most notably the presence of gangs on tour. Gangs are omnipresent at Phish concerts and you can recognize rival gang members by their dreadlocks and corduroy pants or their baseball caps and Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. Gang members travel in either Volkswagen Microbuses or Jeep Cherokees. When an undercover officer overhears a Phishhead say “I’m on Trey’s side,” or “I’m on Page’s side,” the Phishhead is declaring allegiance to a specific gang. Additionally, the words “phatty” and “dank” are codewords for violence, and if the words are used together, e.g. “phattydank,” the undercover officer should run for cover and call for immediate backup because a massive powderkeg is about to explode.

Most people are aware of the nauseatingly harmless drug use that occurs on Phish tour. The police made several attempts at undercover drug busts at the Blossom show with mixed results. Unfortunately, their information was quite outdated, and the entire operation suffered. With that in mind, here is a brief glossary of drug terms:

Marijuana

We all know how this dangerous substance can cause a user to hallucinate so much that the user will actually feel “happy.” In addition, the hunger-inducing side effect of marijuana use, known as “the munchies,” is the major cause of obesity in this country. On a Phish tour, marijuana is known as Acapulco Gold, Cheeba Cheeba, Righteous Reefer, Weenie Roast, or Industrial-Strength Paper Towels. The more expensive (and more potent) form of marijuana is sweet tasting and is commonly called “Nougats.” Also, many deviants prefer to smoke their marijuana after it has been rolled in thin paper, known as marijuana cigarettes. If an undercover officer wants to make a big bust in a Phish parking lot, all the officer has to do is inquire, “Pardon me, could anyone supply me with a super-duper marijuana cigarette?”

Occasionally a Phishhead will mix marijuana with black-tar opium, producing a dangerously serene and peaceful effect. Smoking opium is known as “taking an enema,” and the proper way to inquire about it is to clutch one’s hands as one’s backside and scream, “Oh dear God! I am in pain. I need an enema right now!” The more desperate one sounds, the quicker one will receive the desired drug.

Hallucinogens

Hallucinogens are dangerous substances that cause to user to hallucinate so much that the user will actually feel “happy.” Phish tour is dominated by both LSD (paper and liquid form) and psychedelic mushrooms. After ingesting a hallucinogen, the user will feel as though he or she is taking a “vacation.” Thus, the proper way to inquire about hallucinogens is to ask, “Can I make some travel arrangements?” Paper LSD is known as “Glow-sticks,” liquid LSD is known as “Water,” and psychedelic mushrooms are known as “Grandma’s Dentures.”

Ecstasy

Ecstasy is a dangerous substance that causes a user to hallucinate so much that the user will actually feel “happy.” Fortunately, police have already made serious inroads into cracking down on the ecstasy trade. Sgt. Wagner revealed, "Our guys will go up and say, 'Hey, you got any Molly (Ecstasy) or anything like that?' " However, Sgt. Wagner’s officers won’t get very far with that logic because Ecstasy users have recently changed to name of the drug from “Molly” to “Edna.” Word on the street says that the name may have also been changed to “Gertrude,” so play it safe, and set your radar for all feminine geriatric names.

The most overlooked dangerous element to the Phish Tour is the constant threat of Communist revolution. Modern-day Bolsheviks are hidden throughout the crowd, but they can be distinguished by a distinctive body-odor because Communists believe that showers weaken the force of the proletariat. These Marxist rebels are often heard chanting their infamous propaganda slogan, “Grilled Cheese,” which is a symbol of revolution. If the phrase “phatty grilled cheese” is overheard, it is a signal that a violent revolution is about to begin. Immediately disrobe, stand on your head, and scream, “Gamehendge is a state of mind!” This seemingly nonsensical sentence will cause the Communists to embrace you and adopt you into their tribe. It will be difficult to escape, so try to avoid being brainwashed when they speak of “the chill part.”

And finally, Satanism runs rampant in a Phish parking lot. Often one might see bumper-stickers or t-shirts that say, “YEM,” which stands for Your Evil Master. In addition, the Devil’s disciples can be found vending “Goo Balls,” a deceptively tasty concoction that contains both virgin blood and human testicles. When the band is onstage, the audience will frequently chant “Wilson,” which, according to Biblical historians, is Lucifer’s last name. And let’s not forget Phishheads’ pagan dancing rituals, which can range anywhere from flailing limbs wildly to spinning uncontrollably, all in hopes of channeling the dark spirit of the underworld.

By now policemen across America recognize the serious threat to democracy that Phish and its demented followers pose to America. I hope that this information will be helpful in your quest to eradicate all forms of freedom, peace, love, and happiness. Remember our nation is counting on you.